Toddlers and Tiaras

Oh my. Yes, I have to comment. That show is like a train wreck from which you can't really avert your eyes, eh?

I was dog-ass tired yesterday for reasons that probably have something to do with my pushin'-forty hormones, so rather than do something cerebral, like read, or something necessary, like Swiffer the bathroom, I instead flipped through my round of favorite channels (Fox News, Food Network, The History Channel and TLC, in case you're interested). I landed on Toddlers and Tiaras, the TLC reality show that showcases families who have their little girls compete in glitz beauty pageants. If you've never seen the show, you should, if only for reasons of anthropological study. Those moms are a whole different kind.

So, you take a reasonably pretty little girl. You add a hairpiece, fake teeth, spray tan, a couple of outfits that cost hundreds of bucks or more, fingernails and more makeup than you'd see on a vegas showgirl. Then, you pay a coach to teach them how to present themselves on stage, which often resembles a "dance" you would see in the red light district. Picture six-year olds whipping off velcroed skirts to reveal the bikini beneath, while shakin' the "money maker" for the judges. (Which gives me pause as well...what 45 year old man wants to witness this? But I digress.) The kids also get to absorb all sorts of wholesome messages such as, "I'm the prettiest," or "I look good," or "It hurts to be beautiful," which one mom said about ten times in one show.

By far one of the funnier moments of irony was watching the awarding of the prize for "Best Hair." Best Hair? When their hair isn't even their actual, you know...hair?

The part I admit, I love the most is that the parents don't realize the show is making fun of them. TLC crafts the show in such a way that you can't help but see how out of touch the moms are. For example, they might have the mom saying, "Oh my daughter just loves to be on stage," and meanwhile, they show a frothing, rabid little girl screaming, "Noooooooooo! My dress is itchy!!!!!" I could laugh if I didn't feel so sorry for the kids. Last night, there was a clip of a mom estimating how much money they spend on pageants per year. The dress for the current pageant alone was $1100. Mom estimates, "Around 10 thousand." They asked the dad the same question. "Probably a couple thousand?"

Although I shouldn't talk about that. I wouldn't want to see the disparity if someone asked my husband to estimate how much I spend on homeschooling per year.