Love seeks not its own

The third day's dare is related to selfishness. Honestly, I think this one concept could be mined 365 days a year. We all have selfish tendencies. Some, more than others. Even when you complain about how selfish another person seems to be in your eyes, you are ironically demonstrating your own selfishness. If you say, "I don't like that that person doesn't pay better attention to me, what I need and want, isn't interested in me or my kids..," you are actually revealing your own selfishness, the selfishness you are projecting on the other person. It's almost funny.

Today's Dare goes like this:

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

I'm one step ahead on today's dare, actually. Yesterday, I was at Costco and I looked for the 17th time at the huge slab of beef tenderloin my husband has wanted me to buy for about 10 months. He had been to a party where they sliced one into steaks and he raved about how good they were. Only, I always balk on it, because that hunk of meat is never less than $60.00. The meat is $16 a pound! When I tell you that my bargain-hunting typical limit to pay for meat is $2 a pound, my dilemma will be revealed. Nevertheless, I caved this time and bought the tenderloin for Kelly, so he would be happy.

In my case, I would say a more relevant dare would be the first part, "...time, energy...". Really, it's not much skin off my nose to buy Kelly something. In most cases, he would rather me not buy something. But my time and energy - now there's a sacrifice that could get my attention. So, I'm tailoring the dare to sacrifice my time and energy this evening.

Love is Kind

Today's Dare:
In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

I agree with today's dare, but to be honest, I'm a little stumped on carrying it out. Our marriage doesn't want for kindness. Nothing is really springing to mind that I could do today that would be kind and unexpected. I'm open to continue to look for the opportunity, however.

Yesterday's dare worked out fine. I don't think I said anything negative to my spouse yesterday. Honestly, it is more of a challenge with my kids, because I am with them continuously. I can name many more instances where I had to work for patience in communicating with my kids.

One unexpected gesture as an act of kindness...hmmmm. I will have to let it marinate a little while.

Love is Patient...

I don't watch many movies. I find it difficult to commit two hours of my exceedingly small amount of free time to watching a movie when there are so many books to be read. But I've been meaning to watch the movie "Fireproof" for a long time, and so I put it in my Netflix queue and it finally arrived. So, after it sat on my nightstand for three weeks, I finally decided to watch it and invited Kelly to watch it with me.

It really was time well-spent. While I don't have a troubled marriage, I can see the benefit of The Love Dare, and the spiritual message of the movie did get to me. Wouldn't it be a lovely Christmas gift, to my husband, my children and even to myself, to follow the challenge of The Love Dare?

Day One of the Dare deals with Patience. Here is the Dare: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often refect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and say nothing negative to your spouse (I'm adding kids) at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret." From The Love Dare, by Alex Kendrick.


I know that true, sustainable patience and love only comes from a deep connection to The Source of Love. I'm not too picky about names, but I call that God.

I had an experience once of profound, unconditional love. It was supernatural; divine. I had been reading a book by Max Lucado, I think it was called Just Like Jesus. There was a part in the book where Lucado talked about challenging yourself to continually place your focus on God, to constantly throughout the day bring your mind back to God. I was intrigued by it, so I tried it. For several days, I constantly brought my mind back to thoughts such as this: "Fill me with the Love of Jesus. Bring me to Your Will."

About a week into this practice, I was to attend an event with some people whom frankly, I didn't much like. They cussed a lot and drank too much and I usually barely tolerated being in their company. Strangely, though, when I met up with these people, I began to think they looked beautiful. I thought, (alias used here) "Sam looks really good tonight. I've never known him to look so nice." or "Look at Sue. She seems very pretty. I never realized she was so pretty." It sounds a little spooky and esoteric, so bear with me, but it dawned on me that I was seeing them as God sees them. Their bad language didn't bother me, their loud laughter didn't grate on me. I just felt unrestrained love towards them.

With such an experience behind me, one wonders why I didn't continue the practice. I'd be well into nirvana by now, I think! This was a while ago, though; before my trial by fire, before I lost what was most precious. I have not been patient or loving much since Lydia died. In the first day of The Love Dare, it says, "Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don't get what you want and you start heating up inside." Boy, is that ever true. I still have a lot of anger over losing Lydia. And I still have so much confusion over the spiritual meaning of that loss. When I hear people say things like, "God is faithful." or "God answers prayers.", my immediate reaction is to think, "That is not true." How can I feel otherwise? To what else does the evidence point?

I would like to tap again that Divine Love. It is beautiful, so lovely and beautiful to behold. I want that to flow out of myself, but I know it won't unless I reconnect with it's Source. And I am so afraid to trust. It has all come to nothing before, why should it be different now?

But I know I cannot be the wife and mother I want to be without it. I cannot fulfil even Day One of the Dare if I don't attempt to get back there. I will try but I am very uncertain.

The Way Boys Play

When it's not feeling hectic and crazy, it is so fun to watch all three of my kids play soccer. This is Mason's first crack at it and he is a natural. 'Bout time all that energy got used to some productive purpose. Today was his second game and he scored four goals. He also put a mean block on the other team's striker just before the boy pegged a goal. Since he is in clinic, his team is co-ed. It really is a remarkable thing to watch the difference in the play of boys and girls.

Collin had a make-up game on Friday night, so we all went. (We've been splitting up on the weekends and I hadn't seen him play yet this season.) He has quite a nice, competitive soccer team. It was great fun to watch, especially since we won. The difference between boys playing and girls playing is very noticeable. The boys are so aggressive, so serious. They mean to make that goal, they are faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive.

I'm not on point of lumping all boys as warriors and all girls as nurturers. I'm sure I can point out a number of cautious, tender boys and a few blazing, blustering girls. And every team has it's variations in players. Still - on the whole, the boys play harder. There's a part of boys in which it is all about the conquest, the win, the beating of the opponent, the victory. Sure, girls like to win, too, but it doesn't have that desperate edge, that necessary quality.

My daughter played today, and they smoked the competition, too. It was a great game. But, there are the differences, all you have to do is look. A girl kicks another girl and looks stricken with remorse. Boys step on the opponent's head and never look back. Mason plowed an opposing player in his game. When he came off the field, he smiled and said, "I think I almost broke his arm!" Because I'm a girl, I was shocked and said, "And you should have said you were sorry, too!" Dad wasn't there, but I think if he had been, there would have been hi-fives involved.

Only Chicken Should Be Fried

Chicken is good fried. I know, I know, in moderation, of course. Don't want the arteries to protest. But chicken is good fried.

Mothers - not good fried. Yet mothers are so often fried. If you wish to keep from being fried, there is constant pressure, sometimes subtle, sometimes overt, to jump into the basin of fat with the other Do-It-All moms and swim around in there until you are so crispy, you go on a bender when you see a lone, wet sock in the middle of the kitchen floor. "WHY can't you people just PUT your THINGS and your deeee-sgusting CLOTHING in the god-forsaken HAMPER!?!" Ahem. Not that I've ever said that.

I think homeschoolers are even more vulnerable than "normal" mothers to feel this pressure to join it all, sign up for it all, host it all, volunteer it all, lead-the-group it all and dash all over the county to try and give the kids "opportunities". Homeschoolers in particular have something to prove: "See? We're so social! We don't lack for friends, fun or fantastic extracurriculars!" I mean, it's awesome that homeschooling has come this far. I am thrilled that we have a thriving, fantastic homeschooling community. There are so many offers for clubs, groups, field trips, park days, hang-out days, trips, classes and tutoring that we could be gone every single day of the week, every time-frame of each day: morning, mid-day, afternoon and evening, all year long. Only that sort of begs the question of when we would actually learn to conjugate French verbs and find the circumference of a circle.

This year, I am a member of three different homeschool support groups...oh, no wait, four, actually, if you count my umbrella group. It is hard - sometimes even painful - to see all these cool things come continuously streaming into my e-mail box, begging me to join, host, participate or attend. I must say NO to most of them. At least, to many of them. It may even be somewhat detrimental to be a member of four groups. Ignorance is bliss, in a way. I have already said "Yes!" to soccer, a full day of Specials classes each Friday, a trip to Ellis Island, hosting monthly support group meetings, aiding at co-op on Friday, a women's retreat at church, twice-monthly Fun With Friends night, thrice-monthly middle-schooler Bible study and I think I gave a firm "Maybe" to apple-picking in late September. I was going to do Hiking in Harper's Ferry, (love it there!) but ironically, the trip was cancelled because none of the homeschoolers could pick a date that didn't have conflicting classes, trips or co-ops. I have said No to: Book Club for my kids, homeschool swimming, pumpkin park day, Not-Back-To-School breakfast, Oriole Park tour, Colonial Williamsburg homeschool days, Codorus State Park programs, drawing with nature program and now a writing group that my daughter would surely adore. And those are just the things I really want to do but can't, not nearly a list of all the opportunities available. I'm trying to get my kids back to piano lessons, but there is not a single minute available when I can do it and so can my piano teacher.

I am also planning my upcoming trip to Disney - a whole 'nother post, there!

People, are you with me? We just have to say No to some of this stuff. Especially if we homeschool. The mere mention of anything *else* that is planned for a Thursday evening is enough to trigger an asthma attack. Please put me in the slow-cooker. I really don't want to be fried.

Where were you?

It's the question of the day. Where were you that fateful day, 8 years ago, when those towers fell? When the Pentagon was attacked? When a planeful of heroes went down in that Pennsylvania field?

I watched this morning the re-run of the original newscasts from September 11th. It still makes my heart hurt and fills my face with tears. Those images are seered in my memory. Remember those lost-and-found boards, growing more tattered throughout the week? They break my heart. Wind-whipped flyers, asking out "Have You Seen Me?" into the grey New York sky.

And the good side, too, though it seems hard to say that there could be a good side and almost crass to recall one. The goodwill, the altruistic human love that happened then. We were all in this together. Even Rosie O'Donnell was proud of George W. Bush! Strange, I know.

That day seemed so ordinary. My daughter was 4 and I was taking her to the pediatrician for a check up. When I came out of the appointment, I noticed the staff was acting strangely. Something was certainly going on, but I didn't know what. On my way home from the doctor, I listened to the radio. At just that time, the second tower was collapsing. I felt desperate and sick to hear what was happening. Once I was home, I did what most everyone else did: called my husband, called a few friends and then gawked at the TV for days, sobbed, prayed and despaired.

I wear my flag shirt today. I left the news on, wanting my kids to see the news, wanting them to connect even a little with how it was that day. But I know they do not really get it. You have to live it yourself before you really see.

Reality Sucks

Once upon a time, I had "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" listed on my blog as one of my favorite shows. And once upon a time, it was.

When I first stumbled on the show, Kate's hair was all one color and had not yet looked like two different haircuts, depending on whether she was going or coming. She bravely revealed her post-sextuplet belly, something I think we've all secretly wanted to see.

It's true that even in the early shows, she was snarky at Jon on a regular basis, but since I am a closet sarcastic myself, I didn't hold it against her. Some people have said she is amazingly Obsessive-Compulsive, but this also tended to encourage me. "If Kate can clean up around 8 little kids and not go completely bonkers, surely I can manage."

A few seasons ago, though, the show definitely lost it's appeal. It was like the wealth and fame when straight to Kate's frosted head. Suddenly, the children were always outfitted in gorgeous, matching clothes as they were flown all over the country gratis. It went from being an interesting show about the realities of raising so many toddlers and kids to Lifestyles of the Well-Endorsed. The Kids fly to Utah. The Kids go to New York. Perhaps on my part, envy was involved, but I just lost interest. When it was Jon Gets Hair Transplants and Jon Gets a Personal Trainer, I was pretty much done. Once in a while, I would wander over to TLC to watch old tapings, but pretty much done.

Now this. Ugh! What a disaster! Like so many, I tuned it to the season premier, mostly because I haven't read the tabloids. I wanted to hear from their own mouths what the status of the family had become. Only I left with more questions then I started. Could they possibly be more vague? I have no idea whether Kate does think Jon cheated or if she believes him, but is unhappy in the marriage anyway. Upon seeing snippets of previous season finales, it was obvious that Jon was done with the show, but Kate was totally blind to it. This is where I think they went far wrong. She seems to have been so caught up in the show and the book deals and the speaking engagements, she wasn't looking at her own family crumbling.

What makes me mad is to hear her whine about how it's so hard, and she's doing it all for the kids, and she's so annoyed with the paparazzi. All for the kids? That is a total crock! Kids do not need to be on a famous tv show! They need a mother and father together and paying attention to them. And the paparazzi? You invited tv crews into your lives to document your children's potty training, nap schedules, discipline issues and temper tantrums! And now you're mad that long lenses poke through the woods while you do your kids' birthday party? I mean, I'm sure it's annoying and I personally would loathe it, but that is what you sign up for when you say, "Yes! I want to show the world what it is like to live in my shoes!" When everyone now wants to see inside your shoes, how can you complain?

In the season premier, she must have said 27 times, "I'm doing this by myself." Well, buck up, honey. This is the reality for zillions of mothers who do not have nannies and helpers and book deals. I know of a homeschooling mother of six whose husband is in Iraq! She does it all by herself while her husband is in continuous imminent danger. Really. It's hard to feel sorry for Kate.

The ratings may have been sky-high for the season premier, but I am certain the show will bomb from here on out. How can it do otherwise? I don't want to watch the family who just had their vow renewal in Hawaii last year now fall apart. I don't want to peer in on scenes like the little girl hugging her dad tightly and saying, "I don't want you to go away again, Daddy." And this is The Learning Channel, people! What is there to learn in that?